I’m Home and Well Trained!!!

Just wanted to take a minute and tell everyone I am home with a certificate for my training and so many new ideas that I can’t wait to share with my community. It was most definitely a time of renewal, growth, and learning for me and I am crazy excited about it.

I must tell you too what Deladis said at the end of the second night when I got back to where we were staying. She said “Mommy, I’m ready to go home.” I said, “Really? We’ll be leaving tomorrow.” She responded, “Mommy, I love how you cook.” I couldn’t help but smile. Those are cherished moments when you realize that despite how it feels sometimes, what you take the time to do for your children is important and they appreciate it. How sweet!

A Culmination

Later this afternoon, I will be making the long journey into the city.  Friday is the first day of the workshop that will begin my formal training to become a certified childbirth educator.  As I have mentioned before, the training is through Lamaze and I will eventually receive certification from Lamaze International when I complete the requirements.  I am so excited I can hardly contain myself.

Knowing my perception of myself ten years ago, I would have been very amused if someone had suggested to me that my life would take this path.  I was in my early twenties and while I had just recently witnessed the natural birth of my first nephew and acted as a birth coach for my sister, I had no plans to give birth myself.  I thought giving birth to be a miracle and it absolutely made me embrace my womanhood in a way I never had prior to witnessing the glorious capacity of a woman’s body.  I was sure though, that while other women were enjoying pregnancy, birth, and motherhood, that there were other plans for my life.  Not that I thought those plans more dignified at all, but more that I felt like life had not prepared me to fulfill that role in another’s life.  I felt like I was doing the child who I would birth a favor by choosing to remain childless.

I look back on my life at this juncture, and it is obvious to me my preparation through everything from my birth order, life experiences, and educational choices for motherhood and teaching (or should I say sharing my experiences with others and guiding the search for information).  I was the first born of my mother’s children and I tortured my baby sister day after day with school play.  It was either that or her torture me with trying to copy and become a part of my independent play.   I majored in English with a minor in Creative Writing in college, only to accept a job as a Language Arts teacher in the public school system.  I went on to receive a Master’s in Teaching.  It was like I had forgotten how I told my family that I wouldn’t be a teacher when they had suggested it to me so many times.  I was going to be a writer.  Then, I experienced birth through my sister, and almost five years later John and I desired to make a family.  It was sudden, and in spite of all the plans to the contrary.

There was the planning for my birth – the dreaming.  Then, there was the experience.  I didn’t embrace what happened to me and my baby girl in any way for the longest time.  It wasn’t suppose to have happened that way.  Not to me.  I didn’t understand that it was another leg of my journey.  Ivy’s birth gave me a little more understanding, and yet I still didn’t accept what my heart was asking me to do.  I felt like everything I had experienced and studied about would eventually bring a correction of what happened to me.  It wasn’t about that at all.  Healing isn’t always a reversal of a problem, and I would argue that most often it is not, but it is a renewal of our perception of that problem.  That self that I thought I was, wasn’t me at all.  It was an ego denying my whole self peace.  I am complete just as I am.

So, now I have this awesome opportunity to put myself to use to a cause greater than I could have ever imagined for myself.  A cause that is much greater than I am.  It is not something I could ever take on of my own accord or understanding, but it is a movement of a collective body of women and men, working, in the best of times, as one force.  To help other women learn about their bodies, enjoy their pregnancies, plan their informed births, and process the experience is a huge undertaking, but it is one that I love.  It was done for me, and I am so thankful to those women.  Not only will I have the opportunity to be an active part of a birth community, but I will be helping women in my mountains.  The birth tradition in these hills is so rich and beautiful as much as it is hard to grasp at times.  I think of the courage of those women and the trust that they put into the natural course of life.  I want to help women from whatever place they come from in their journey to motherhood and through whatever their plans may be, help them to understand what is happening, to trust their body, and help them to feel comfortable and safe in the choices they make for themselves and their babies.

I’m thankful that I am finally able to listen to my heart.  It is much easier than trying to rationalize contrary choices.  I’m thankful for this opportunity.  I’m able to embrace what happened to me as an experience in a longer journey that has a larger purpose than a few events in my life.  Not that those experiences were easy ones, but more that they helped me to grow as a person.  No, it wasn’t a part of my planning, but it chose me, and I’m so glad.

I think I have already chosen a name for my services and a tag line.  It may change, but for now I like it.   I will be starting a new blog upon my return under that title.  I will blog about my experiences in formal training and the topics I am studying or finding interesting in the world of childbirth.  I won’t blog about anyone (privacy is my utmost priority), but it will be more informational in tone and a companion to my eventual personal website for my services.  Birth is a very personal topic and because of the many varied experiences can seem almost mythical.  Learning about the ideas surrounding birth and the issues involved is a great way to make it seem less so, but no less miraculous.

Snow Cream

There’s nothing like six or more inches of snow to give you a hankering for a treat from your childhood.  Here in the mountains a big snow provides an easy way to make an iced cream treat that is as good as it is cold.

Snow Cream

Snow cream is simply made given you trust the snow to be clean enough to consume.  The way I make it, all of the ingredients are estimated.  The important know how is the concept I suppose, then you can make it to your liking.

Start with melting a sweetener of your choice into some heavy cream or whole milk. (You can also use low fat milk, but I don’t think it would taste near as good or be very nutritious for you.  Treats should not be empty calories in my opinion, so go for the gusto!)  The sweetener we use is honey and/or maple syrup. (We use only unrefined/moderately refined sweeteners that hold plenty of nutrients such as iron or enzymes.)  Since our sweetener is already liquid it doesn’t require a lot of heat to completely mix with the milk.  Allow the milk mix to cool, and add a little vanilla… or a lot if you are like me and love strong flavors.  Next, gather your snow in a large stainless steel bowl or pot.  You will want to compact it a bit and gather a large amount.  Scoop from the top layer of snow only, being careful to not dig down too close to the ground.  At least 4 inches should be on the ground for making snow cream.  I was always told not to eat the first snow of the year as well.  Once back inside, slowly mix the milk soup into the snow stirring thoroughly, but with a gentle touch.  Keep mixing until it is to your desired consistency, then eat and enjoy!  The Haywoods certainly enjoyed their snow cream this year.

Or, you can do like I did as a kid wanting snow cream.  Take your favorite pancake syrup and a spoon outside, squeeze some into the snow, and chow down. 

Another Snow Storm

The contrast of snow and sky begs us outside.  Shelter ourselves no more and enjoy the Creator’s warmth in a world chilly with Winter’s finality and promise of renewal.

The Lynn Tree and Rock

We suit up.  How many more Winters will be spent in the midst of such glorious cuteness?

Icicle swords and dusts of snow.

It is impossible to reconcile the sky and earth.  Let them exist one for the other

The Confluence

Snow angels play for snow angels to create.

A groundhog sees its shadow.

Happy Groundhog Day / Candlemas

And mother always waits too long to start the walk home.

But a treat can be made that only Winter allows.

Come by tomorrow for the recipe for a favorite Winter mountain treat!

Weekends are for Good Music #2

Here is one from Letcher County native – Lee Sexton.  This is a clip from the documentary Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus.

Self Improvement and Parenting – My Gleanings from Eli, The Good

In my twenties, I didn’t think much about self improvement.  I would have laughed at anyone suggesting a self-help book.  I read little on spirituality, and honestly didn’t have a clue where I fit in.  I figured I was who I was by that time and I had to learn to endure the faults, the neurosis, and the walls that I had built for myself.  What I did dwell on were the negative parts of my childhood.  I couldn’t seem to move passed them, and I felt like I would need to muster all the strength I could to move on down the line.  I also clung to the good parts of my childhood.  They stuck to me – bittersweet, moments of bliss that were only to be glanced at here and there.

After becoming pregnant with Deladis, I realized that life was much more than existing in a past you can’t change.  I realized that there were things I didn’t want to pass on to my daughter.  Things that can be excused in families.  All ___ (insert family name) are mule headed.  Oh, you get that temper from your Uncle ___.  You’re always depressed, just like your ____.  Things that are chalked up as inherited personality traits, that can very well be negative if given the right circumstances, but given a different environment can be worked with and made into positives.  Instead of saying, that’s who I am, it’s in the blood, we can work to stop the scars that are passed down through generations in families.  Those scars don’t have to be a curse.  The fact is, you don’t have to live with them anymore the moment you choose to see them for what they are and no longer choose to accept them.  Not that it isn’t hard work through them, but acknowledgment that there is no power there to hold you.

I didn’t completely understand my great desire to become a better me after becoming a parent.  I would catch little thoughts as they passed through my mind that would hint at why.  If you keep losing your cool, your relationship with your child will erode. Do you ever want her to wonder if she is loved? Then, there is the whole aspect of parenting daughters as a woman.  Stop downing your physical appearance in front of your child.  You don’t want her to spend her whole adolescence thinking she is an ugly duckling or not feminine because she doesn’t like makeup or spending too much time on her hair.

www.candlewick.com

Eli, The Good the most recent novel by the eastern Kentucky author Silas House came out in September 2009.  My grandmother went to North Carolina to hear him read and to buy me a signed copy of the book.  I thought that pretty dang cool of her considering she was supporting an independent bookstore and she was buying me the best kind of material present I could ever receive.  Silas House is my very favorite author.

I wasn’t really sure what to expect of this novel.  I had heard him read an excerpt at the Hindman Settlement School’s Appalachian Writer’s Workshop evening readings over the summer.  I appreciated the segment he read.  I soaked in the frankness of the tone and took up the imagery, making a movie in my mind, as the best books do for me.  I relished in his audible voice, true to his accent and unapologetic.  The kind that makes you even more proud to be who you are because someone molded from the same clay as you is making a difference in the world.  I was ready for this book.

I opened it and began reading, noticing immediately that this novel was very different from his first three (a series with the same family as characters).  It was different in feeling and much different in tone.  It was told from the voice of a ten year old child, Eli Book.  While the setting was obviously the mountains, it was more universal.  It felt like it could be many places.  Immediately, I felt like that child could have been me.

I went through the first half of the book wondering where it was taking me.  I didn’t grasp it fully because at times it was a very uncomfortable place to be, but as I moved onward I understood that was exactly the point.

By the end of the novel, I felt like I had been on a life transforming journey.  The kind that is a one way ticket.  You go from beginning to end and never look back.  The end of the novel held the juice for me.  Eli’s father dealt with demons brought back from the Vietnam war.  A war he had gone to fight still being only a child.  Eli’s mother clung to the love she found with his father because she had not known love as a child.  There was Eli and his sister both feeling the very same way, but coming to the understanding that what they were feeling was not the reality of their life, but the feelings that their parents were carrying with them and projecting out onto their lives.

But then he saw me.  I just stood there, feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness wash over me.  I had felt alone all my life, had felt as if my parents only saw each other as they moved through the world, thought they loved each other so much that there was no room to love me.  But now, by the way Daddy looked at me, I knew better.

His faced is what convinced me.  He was so hurt to see me there, to know I had seen all of this.  So I knew, once and for all, that he did care if I existed or not.

- Eli, The Good by Silas House, Chapter 25, pg. 265

It was that moment in the book that sealed the deal for me and my commitment to becoming my true self.  The self that is uninhibited by my circumstances or past.  This was the point that gave me hope.  The hope that despite my shortcomings and my personal pitfalls, my children will at some point be assured of the fact that I love them and I love having been a part of giving them life.  They will know it because it is true.

All the things that I am doing are not only for myself at this point, though I believe looking inward is important  for people in all walks of life.  It is for my family.  From the choice of Waldorf inspired education, to moving up in the head of no where, to making our traditional culture a daily part of our life, those choices were made to help my children experience childhood.  We can grow up so quickly.  My spiritual studies, my yoga practice, my writing and reading, making the choice to become a childbirth educator, are all part of ending a cycle and embracing my natural state of well being.  Disease is not our natural state.  It is dis-ease.  Feelings of inadequacy, depletion, and blaming are not natural.  These are things that can be healed.  These are things that with mindfulness can be made whole in beautiful ways.

I want to bring my children up in a healing environment.  I want to do all I can to insure that I leave little baggage for them to carry into their adult life.  Any baggage they will have will be theirs, personal and part of that which helps us become independent of our parents.  It will be the stuffs of a beautiful life and the tools to make it a complete one.

Update – One Small Change

Motivated by Hip Mountain Mama, I have been participating in her urging of families to make small changes that will accumulate to make huge changes in our impact on the earth and her/our environment.  This event is called One Small Change. There are prizes involved for those who want to participate in that way, but the rewards of participating go far beyond a physical prize.  I encourage everyone to visit and think about the changes they can make.

Earlier this month, I made two goals for the month.  The first goal was to reduce our waste by using less throw away napkins and paper towels.  I’m happy to say that this has went really well, and wasn’t as hard to keep up with as I was expecting.  I had some cloth diapers that I no longer use that are very absorbent.  We have started using them as napkins and for cleaning up spills.  Unless there is something major to be cleaned, we can get several uses out of one diaper/towel before it is dirty enough to wash.  I then just throw it in with the weekly washing of bath towels and washcloths.  This is going to save us quite a bit of money too.

The second goal I had was to stop buying bottled water while out and about.  Our well water has too much iron/sulfur in it to be drinkable, so we take jugs to the watering hole to fill them for drinking and cooking.  When we are out of the house, it has been the easy thing to buy bottled water for drinking.  I had hoped to get a stainless steel container and stop purchasing the bottles.  I found a container I like, but I haven’t bought it.  This winter has been hard for us, and for several weeks the icy weather kept us from being able to leave the holler and go up the hill to fill the jugs.  Convenience won out in this one, and we ended up buying bottled water for home too.   I’m hoping winter will allow us a little more leeway in the rest of the season.

Instead of continuing with this unattainable goal, I decided to get rid of a lot of our kitchen plastics and replace them with glassware.  There are many dangers to using plastics in the kitchen to our health, not to mention that most plastics don’t break down well or at all.  Storing food in plastic or using plastic in the dishwasher or microwave is the worst.  I started by replacing our eating utensils with glass, specifically our bowls.  I am hoping to find more ways to not buy plastic in the first place through store packaging.  Over time, I hope to replace our food storage containers with more glass.  I have been working on that for awhile, and have some mason jars and large lidded glass jars that I use for food storage.  Reader’s Digest has a good article this month on kitchen plastics and which ones are the most dangerous.  Check it out if you’d like more information.

For February, my goals are to change the bottled water situation, and looking into light bulbs.  We haven’t switched to the energy efficient fluorescent bulbs yet because the disposal of them and the mercury they contain concerns me.  I need to do some more reading on this topic and see what other alternatives there are.

It’s good to love our Mother.

Weekends are for Good Music

I think I’m going to start posting some YouTubes of my most liked music on the weekends.  Here is my first.

One Sunny Day and Abbey Road

We were blessed with a sunny day and warm enough weather to get outside and enjoy it.  Enjoy it we did!

We walked down to the barn, fed the chickens, and walked back to home.  As soon as we made it to the yard, Deladis said, “We can swing!”

Then, we walked on up the holler passed our house to my favorite spot in the little valley.

After seeing the emptiness of this valley thanks to Google Earth, I plan to thoroughly explore it with the girls.

Deladis is learning about the root and seed children that spend their time sleeping snug inside Mother Earth through the Winter.  We couldn’t help but notice many of the mosses and lichens have awesome blooms of red and yellow, or simply the brightest green.

Even our animal friends got in on the warmth.

Our dog, Lars, is a bird whisperer.  Have I mentioned they will lie next to him?

Lately, Deladis has been really in to AbbeyRoad by The Beatles.  John has our CDs with him most of the time, so we listen to the record collection.  John’s dad gave us his records and Abbey Road was one of them.  Deladis has Brer Rabbit, Fat Albert, and Chipmunk Punk, but Abbey Road trumps those every time.  Deladis’ favorites are “Come Together,” “Here Comes the Sun,” “Something,” and “Her Majesty”(the one about Madge being a really fine girl – I think that is the title).  I won’t forget the day she told me she liked “Something”.  She asked me what kind of song that was and what was it about.  George Harrison moved my four year old.  She’s a thinking girl.

We sang sunshine songs as we walked.  “Here Comes the Sun” was included of course as it is on most days of  our singing.  As well as “The Sun Shines on Everyone” by Snatam Kaur, and “You Are My Sunshine”, which Ivy has learned to sing really well thanks to her new auntie. 

It was a fine and refreshing time.

Not Perfectly Waldorf

I am broken-hearted about the situation in Haiti. I am concerned for all the people there, especially the children and elderly.  It has been on my mind quite a bit from wondering how someone like Pat Robertson could feel justified in making the embarrassing comments he has made, to hoping for peace for them, to wondering how a mother like myself could help.  Today, I saw one mother’s solution to that wondering and wanted to share it with you.  Shivaya Naturals has reopened her Etsy store with 100% of the proceeds going to Haiti relief.  Please visit there today if you are able and contribute.  Our thoughts and prayers are with the Haitians and those around the globe helping to meet their needs.

I have had Deladis on my mind quite a bit lately.  Her reactions to it being a “school” day, her temper with me and hitting, and whether or not she should be watching television and how much.  I think about when she was a baby and the two of  us would traipse all over Louisville (well, the familiar parts ) going to parks, play dates, Gymboree Play and Music, and Waldorf Parent/Child.  Her favorite place to eat was Whole Foods and she would clean her plate.  We would laugh and play games.  I didn’t raise my voice at her.  We had a wonderful time.  Motherhood was still new and I was consumed enough to be meticulous about so many things.

Recently, I posted to a Waldorf Homeschool Support Group about Deladis losing heart with our schooling.  As Ivy grows more able to participate in our Circle Time and enjoys the activity, Deladis seems to be losing interest.  In the past, I have tried to eliminate television completely from her world until she is older, but since moving home, that is a lot harder to do.  Our family enjoys TV, and so do John and I.  We don’t have cable here at the cabin.  In fact, John and I have only had cable 6 months in ten years of marriage, but we do enjoy movies, documentaries, PBS, and certain TV shows, and we subscribe to Netflix.

In the last months, I have limited television viewing to weekends.  A few weeks ago, Deladis started asking me if it was a school day or a watching day.  When I would tell her it was a school day, she would become disappointed and not participate well in our activities.  I, then, decided that there should be no difference in school days and weekends, and since our TV would remain in the home, she could have one program a day during the time in the evening when I cook supper (when the girls are not at their best).

I posted to the support group wondering what to do about Deladis’ seeming non-interest in singing, or reciting verse or fingerplays with me and I called her downhearted.  The truth is I was projecting my feelings onto her.  I have been disheartened that my attempts at a Waldorf home for my family has not worked out as I had envisioned.  My home is not TV free.  It is not simple and tidy.  Deladis’ favorite toys of late is Littlest Petshop and she spends hours in imaginative play with those, so I have allowed them to be bought for her this Christmas.  The truth is, I don’t know where we fit in the big picture of the world of Waldorf.

I know Waldorf education works.  I will never forget when we toured the Waldorf School of Louisville and I found myself teary eyed passing through each classroom and seeing all the beautiful, safe, and pure learning going on in each of them.  The clincher was walking into the fourth grade classroom seeing a room of engaged students reading from a chalkboard the most beautiful cursive handwriting without missing a beat.  They were learning the fundamentals that so many students coming through our public schools today miss, as they vie for teacher’s attention and fumble their way through computer games and busywork. (Please don’t take this the wrong way.  I was a public school teacher, my great grandmother was a public school teacher, my grandmother worked for the Board of Education and was a substitute teacher at times, and I have many friends in the world of public education.  I believe it is the environment that government run schools have created for students that are the disservice.)

I was reminded of the stories of my great grandmother and grandfather (Golda and Luther Johnson) and their school days – plain, simple, and fun.  I compared it to my daily experience in the public school system as both a student and a teacher, and  knew I had to bring the Waldorf educational environment to my children.  If I could not send them to a Waldorf School, I had to bring it to them.

At this point, I am unsure of what is next for our little home “school”.  I am dedicated to Waldorf philosophy and I am going to be diligent about coming to a better understanding of it. But more, I want to find how it will fit into our family.  Each family is unique and has its own special culture. We are individual and I believe that is what is wonderful about homeschool.  The educational experience can be just as unique as we are.  I can still be within Waldorf educational philosophy and not look like the Waldorf of other families.  This blog has given me hope of that.

The great thing is, I have two more years before I need to start academics with Deladis.  So, technically, I’m not schooling yet.  In the meantime, I’m going to explore this further.  I’m going to read some Rudolph Steiner, take some free online workshops, and keep reading the many great Waldorf inspired blogs out there.  I’ll get it figured out.  But, most importantly I need to reconnect with Deladis.  I need to make some time for just me and her.  I need to observe her, meditate on her, and meet her needs.

Some of my favorite Waldorf inspired blogs:

Syrendell

The Parenting Passageway

Homemade Serenity

exhale. return to center.

The Artist, The Mom

Shivaya Naturals

Hip Mountain Mama

Enjoy!