On the second, I started a post about the fact that I have actually made some New Year resolutions for 2013. I was excited while writing, and at the same time feeling a bit ridiculous. Gwen started fussing and I stopped writing. Then, yesterday was a difficult one for us. Ivy has started crying a lot throughout the day on most days for reasons so numerous that I’d have to write a book to describe it all and then some she just makes up on the spot. I’ve been told that it is middle child syndrome, but I’m not satisfied with that answer.
It was the first sunny day in weeks, so I made sure the girls went outside for a bit of play. However, Deladis decides that since they play in the creek during the summer, it would be a good idea to wade the creek in January in her new snow boots and Ivy in tennis shoes. I had a hard time with patience and the fact that I thought she would know better. There coats were thrown off in the floor. Their wet clothes thrown in the floor. I sit Gwen down to pick that up and to remind them that they also know where their clothes go, and she cries.
She doesn’t like to sit on her own much. I have about 10 minutes before I have to get her back up. She, like Deladis, is a spirited child. She doesn’t like to take naps, though she’s a decent night sleeper. Generally, a lot like her biggest sister. Like my sister reminded me that evening on the phone, “You’ve never had a laid back child.”
This was after Deladis cried during our first day back at school because she didn’t complete something perfectly. I wrestled Gwen through her fusses while trying to read Deladis her lessons, shifting Gwen from floor, to lap, to clothes basket. Right after, Ivy cries like a wild banshee because I ask her to tell me her ABCs. She says, “I’m too scared.” Same little girl that will dance in front of 100 people, won’t say her ABCs for her mother who is just curious at how well she knows them.
By the middle of the day, I was feeling like a failure of a mother. For sure, there was something bigger that needed to be fixed. I needed to just stop daydreaming about plans and things I needed to get done. The pile of dishes in the sink. My New Year resolutions, and pay minute detail to what spurs these fits. I felt bad for believing that I could tack yet more things onto my already determined to do list when I was already not doing that well.
Yet, I found reassurance from a group of mamas on Facebook. I realized that if I can turn it into a positive it is fine. I’m not failing, just seeing room for improvement. I talked to my sister, who rubbed her two laid back kids in my face, while talking about how grown up the not so laid back one is getting to be. And, I felt better. Not like it was the end of all I wanted to accomplish, but still just the beginning.
See, it is easy from these blogs and social media posts… and from mothering forums… Pinterest… to think that this parenting/homeschooling gig is a great accomplishment. But, what we often miss out on is how dag gone hard it can be sometimes. For, on this, we mostly see the end results. Our kids dressed in the play costumes, with their basketball trophy, the cool cake we made for their birthday, all the boxes of stuff I’ve managed to purge out of our cabin. We don’t see as often the work that got us there. And so, when the results simply aren’t there on any given day. It can feel like a loss. What do we have to post about that day? Sure don’t want to sound like you are complaining. There is no room for complaining in such a blessed life. How dare you feel like raising your voice or crying?!
The truth is… my list of resolutions is boring. I have quite a few, and I’m not cutting it down. The interesting stuff is the doing. The grunt work. For that is where our accomplishment is – the fact that we get up in the morning ready to do it all again. We’ve not abandoned our post. We’ll be there for those beautiful little souls when we wake up in the morning. Deladis always gets up before me now days. We haven’t and aren’t giving up.
As my friend reminded me of tonight. ”I just think of it like this. Such a strong willed child will one day grow up to make one heck of a strong woman.” Amen, sister… Amen.
So, this year this blog is about the doing. Forget what I plan to do. I’ll share with you and record for my girls what we actually do and how we get it done. That’s the point – right?
Below is the start of my resolutions post….
I’m not one to make resolutions in the New Year. I never really have, or if I did I wasn’t serious enough about it to remember it right now. 2012 was a special year for me. I had my third daughter at home in one of the most beautiful experiences possible – an HBA2C. I accomplished something so very amazing for me and my beautiful daughter, our health and well-being, and am forever changed.
I called it my Jesus year. I was 33 for most of it. I discovered just how powerful a spiritual practice can be. I had the chance to pull back, reassess, and now I have come out with a plan.
My last post was all about my inspiration to be re-motivated for most of these resolutions. Many of them aren’t new, but things that have served me in the past, and will again.
1. Recommit to eating a Traditional Foods diet. (Being pressed for time and tired during the last months of pregnancy I haven’t been cooking from scratch as much as I’d like.)
2. Simplify our living space. Look what I am purging so far. I’m just getting started.
3. Organize what is left of the cabin and create a sanctuary for living. I’m making a designated school and office space in the living room! Our space is small and if you’ve followed me when I wrote here before, you know this is something that I am constantly working on. Yet, in this case, I have a new strategy, and am approaching it from a different mind set. It’s going to be fun! I’ve gotten some tremendous inspiration from some DIY homebuilding friends who have built a beautiful home at minimum cost and almost all on their own. I am still inspired by this home I toured in New Echota a few years ago.