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I’m going through one of those times again when thoughts aren’t rational and I am making myself anxious over silly things, one being social media.  Nothing real and nothing important to my life, work, or relationships.  Why?  Who knows.  But, it is those times when we discover where we’ve been clinging to the wrong things, and trying to fit ourselves through openings we weren’t meant to pass through.  Where instead of listening we’ve been pushing.  Instead of waiting we’ve been putting the pedal to the metal and grinding our wheels only to see we’ve moved but a few inches.  We would have moved those inches without the wheel spinning.

I’m pulling back once again, and I’m going to try so hard to wait for that still small voice before making any steps forward, even if that means waiting months and years.  I’m going to do the small things that count for big things, and leave the big things that count for not much alone.  My girls need me fully present mentally.  My husband needs me.  I need me not to scatter hopes in a million directions searching for some kind of satisfaction that I’m not even sure I would recognize when I received it.  I’d probably call it something else and continue the struggle.

I hope to be back here more often recording the progress of little things.  Really little things.  Seconds of moments.  Living now, my life.  Not my past life, my future life, but the only life I have – my present life.

There is no need to run outside

For better seeing,

Nor to peer from a window.  Rather abide

At the center of your being;

For the more you leave it, the less you learn.

- Lao-Tze

The kingdom of God is within you.

- Jesus of Nazareth

In the meantime, meet our newest addition to the family.  Goldie, a 2 month old mixed breed female found stray.

It's as hard to take a picture of a pup as a 2 year old child.

Hills Around the Cabin Last Fall 2008

Hills Around the Cabin Last Fall 2008

I’m waiting like a child at Christmas for this scenery.  Day 20 of my 40 days of commitment passed this weekend.  I’m doing pretty good with it though the last week it felt like I was not.  It was the kicking the caffeine thing.  The only thing I’ve dropped from the list is goal five.  I can’t possibly keep a 10pm bedtime and still spend time with John or have the “me” time I need.  So, I modified it to “rest when I’m weary.”

In church Sunday, we had a lesson on loving our brothers and sisters.  It wasn’t only about loving Christians (I am firmly against bigotry), but loving everyone – absolutely everyone – including those we are tempted to hate.  The lesson discussed what love/hate is, and what it looks like – that love is not words, but exists in action and truth.  But, what really spoke to me is that love requires time, and for most Americans today, time is a huge sacrifice.

hill1

Hills Around the Cabin Last Fall 2008

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

- Jesus (John 13:34)

Whether we are looking at Jesus as a spiritual or historical figure, as do so many religions across the world, it is hard not to acknowledge that he showed ultimate love in laying down his life for those who despised him.  He commands his followers to love like that.

I think about how that applies to me and what I love, and what I feel like I am called to do in my life.  The things that, if I had them all squared away, I give most of my time to and thus the things I love dearly are…

  1. My Creator and my spiritual life (my study of religious texts, prayer, meditation, yoga, and fellowship with other folks of faith)
  2. My children/parenting/homeschooling
  3. My husband/our home/homesteading
  4. My family and friends
  5. My homeland – Appalachia
  6. My writing
  7. supporting natural childbirth and breastfeeding

I believe the first three to be perfectly tied together.  My marriage is a spiritual commitment and therefore keeping it strong also keeps me in need of a close relationship to the Creator.  Being a mother is the ultimate example of a spiritual duty.  I am responsible for raising a child who begins life so connected with the natural world and spirituality as she eventually comes into awareness of humanity and helping her make sense of it all, be confident enough to make her own choices in life, and to love others.  Man!  It never stops flooring me to think about it.  And this particular part of my life is where that lesson on love really hits home.

In yoga and mothering circles, we often say – “this too shall pass.”  It will.  Now, is the only time I have.  I want to be present for my children, my husband, and I want to know myself.  If I begin there, then I can be a better lover of my family and friends.  I can volunteer and speak for the issues facing eastern Kentuckians.  I can write, and I might even have time (at some point in my life) to help the women of my region with their birthing and breastfeeding goals.  I will be able to do those things without stress because I’ll know my responsibilities to the family I created are taken care of.  Not only that, but I can take care of these responsibilities from a place of joy.

Early Morning Right from Bed - Fall 2008

Early Morning Right from Bed - Fall 2008

I rocked Ivy to sleep tonight, and used that as my meditation time.  I have come to believe it is a time that God has given me.  I tried to be like her, completely dependent, still one with me.  I sang my chant Sa-Ta-Na-Ma, and she drifted off.  It was lovely.

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About Me

An Appalachian woman born and raised, mothering two little girls in a place that is non-existent to AT&T or UPS. Happily working toward a sustainable lifestyle and writing on the demand of a loud muse.

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