I wake up before anyone else. I will let go of my control, but not the goals I’m working toward. I ease out of bed and go to the computer before coffee… before food. I write and answer emails. Answer the first business call of John’s for the day. Goal #1 – accomplished. Let go.
I hear big feet and little feet hitting the floor. Three smiling faces fill the bedroom doorway. Deladis runs to the couch and before words I offer a kiss, and it is received. I get up from the couch to make breakfast. Deladis wants her eggs runny with yellow. The girls go to their room to play and my man starts his computer work. Eventually, the girls find their way back to Mommy in the kitchen. Ivy pushing against the oven door to stand. I tell her she can’t be there (“It’s too hot.”), and move her to the sink. Breakfast is ready. Goal #2 – accomplished. Let go.
We eat and Deladis decides she wants chocolate milk. I have yet to sit down to my eggs, which are growing colder by the second. The chocolate milk isn’t boxed. It’s made. I feel myself become frustrated. The anxiety builds in my chest, and I think chocolate syrup and vanilla ice cream for snack later. Satisfying a begging for sweets and a want for chocolate all at once. She agrees. I eat my eggs. Goal #3 – accomplished. Let go.
Together, Deladis and I clean the breakfast dishes. I wash and she rinses. Her sleeves pulled to her elbows, she meanders through the quickly building pile of clean plates and silverware in her rinse water. I ask her to work to catch up to Mommy, but I don’t rush her. I help her place the dishes into the drainer. I smile when I feel my heart start to race, and take peace from the smile on her face. Goal #4 – accomplished. Let go.
With dishes done it is time for homeschool pre-school. We get our supplies. I throw the load of cloth diapers I washed last night in the dryer and we begin. We talk of March, color birds in clouds, read stories, sing pleasant songs, and learn that “blue” starts with “B”. Ivy tries to be in the way, and then doesn’t. She soon finds her way to the color tin and the crayons, then climbs the teacher. I feel the urge to scold her rise up in my throat. The urge to beg her to let us finish. Instead, I kiss her neck, making her laugh, and help her to practice walking while Deladis finishes her page. No words except “hurray”. Goal #5 – accomplished. Let go.
I put in Dance Baby Dance and exercise with Ivy in my arms. She falls asleep before the DVD is over with her head on my shoulder. Deladis sits in the rocker beside us talking of how when she gets big she will let me dance with her baby. I’d love to have that honor. My cardio over, I try to lay Ivy in bed for her nap. Her eyes pop open and she says “doggie” (the only word she knows – now). I feel like begging her to sleep. To please let me do my stretching. My back is killing me. I scoop her up and take her back to the living room. Deladis and Ivy play around me as I stretch. Ivy crying here and there from being tired. I gently remind her not to climb on me, and finish my exercise before anyone gets too upset. Goal #6 – accomplished. Let go.
I rock Ivy to sleep. It takes longer than I would like, and with my back pain it is not easy for me. I feel my stomach get uneasy. I feel myself wanting to cry when she lets out a whimper as I ease her to the bed. I remember. I get one chance to mother this baby. One chance to enjoy her smell. To give myself to her in service and in service to God. I relax. I have all day. She puts the first two fingers of her left hand in her mouth and stays asleep. Goal #7 – accomplished. Let go.
I now sit, writing. Deladis pretends to be a dog and licks my face. I say… “I like kisses, not licks so much.” She smiles and gives me a kiss. She hasn’t cried today. I haven’t pleaded with her, or raised my voice. She asks to “watch” and I put in a movie for her. She didn’t beg for it, or cry. She asked when we both needed downtime. Things are… falling… into place.