I was part of a women’s Bible study about a week ago. When it came time to ask for prayer, I did at the last minute after taking too long to muster the courage. I asked the ladies to pray for me to find fulfillment in the now. The role I chose as wife and mother was exactly that – a choice. I have been doing a lot of thinking on the role of women today. I come across so many women whether online or in real life who are, like me, seeking to balance so many obligations, or what feels to them like things they are obligated to do. The feminist movement gave us a choice. We are no longer just the homemaker, child rearer, cook, laundress, or maid to another wealthier woman. We have the option to choose a “career” over family and marriage. We are as capable as men to hold and succeed at a variety of jobs and professional positions. I am thankful for those women who fought for that right.
The problem has come for me in the fact that many women want the “career” but they still have the desire to be mothers and/or wives. We choose both and it becomes a juggling act that some of us do very well with, and others of us feel like we are sinking into an abyss. I didn’t want to be a mother going into marriage. John didn’t want to be a father. Then, we lost someone very dear to us at an early age to cancer and we realized that family was the most important thing earthside. God placed it on both of us that we needed children. It was something we had never considered before. We both had dreams of artistic endeavors, traveling, never being tied down.
I had set out to be a writer and a teacher of writing on the college level. John’s dream is one he is fulfilling in every way even now – a working artist and musician. When I got pregnant with Deladis, it became obvious to both of us that it would not pay for me to work. Neither of us wanted to leave our child in the care of a stranger for most of our day. I decided that after Deladis was born, I would resign my teaching position and be a stay-at-home mom. We would have to give up a lot to do it. We couldn’t buy clothes for ourselves very often or buy them new. We would have to give up our health insurance. Traveling would be something that we would have to save for and plan well, if we got to do it at all. There was a lot that most people in our families and circles couldn’t believe we should or would give up. Deladis was born and I was staying home.
At first I was gung-ho about being a mom and only a mom. I understood with all my heart that it was a full time job. I enjoyed my days with my baby and loved learning about parenthood and all the fun stuff that goes with it. We went for walks. I became involved with a local attachment parenting group. Then, all those comments from the people we love crept in. “How will you all make it?” “It takes two incomes to live in today’s economy.” “When do you think you’ll go back to work?” “You all need health insurance.”
When I paid the bills every month and saw time and again how we had just enough to pay them, it was hard. Instead of feeling blessed with having our basic needs met, I began to feel guilty. Now, our culture has changed. Whereas before, people would condemn a woman for working outside of the home or at a non-domestic type of position, now, they seem to fear or look down upon a woman who chooses motherhood as her profession. I felt guilty for not working. I felt like the people around me (other than the mothers who had also made the choice I had) were looking for me to throw in the towel and get a job. To do the “right” thing by my husband and children.
Since, those first feelings came upon me, I have been seeking to make some kind of money. I had never quit writing, but I had been taking my time with it. Doing it more because it was a strong desire rather than trying to make money doing it. I tried an at-home business that was sort of telemarketing. I was burned out quickly with that, and was sinking more money into the business than I was making. I watched John diligently working all hours of the day and night, traveling alone to festivals on the weekends, and I began to dream of him being able to slow down a little. I felt like I needed to find a way to stay home and make money, eventhough we have never been in a place where we couldn’t pay our bills since I made the decision to be a full time mom.
I have realized that those expectations that others have for me are ones that I have adopted as my own. They are not the best for me. I am not like these women who are happy juggling all the roles. I want to write again because that is what I like to do and someday I’d like to see my work in print, not because I feel like I am in a race to make money. I want to be fully present for my children and not pressured to perform while trying to meet their needs. I have few places outside of our home and the internet where I can talk of the triumphs of my mothering. Many of our friends are single adults or childless couples. Those who have children live away from us or are acquaintances only. When I am part of conversations where people are talking about their work and accomplishments, I tend to stay quiet or only offer well wishes. Ivy using a spoon for the first time, or Deladis starting dance class isn’t exactly something that excites most social activists, working artists, musicians, or career minded folks. I share when I have something to say about my writing, but even that is often on the outskirts of exciting.
Since opening the door to choice, (which is a great thing, don’t get me wrong) we have really not allowed for women to fully make that choice and be fulfilled in simply being a wife and mother in the home. The seeds of doubt are planted. Many at-home moms spend their days alone, seeking conversation here and there, and wondering if they are doing a good job. We put pressure on mothers to choose work and homelife and to balance those roles perfectly. They also must remain physically and mentally healthy while doing so. Those who choose both and do well, can often be made to feel like they could perform even better without the home obligations and are encouraged to take on more. The women who choose career are talked about as selfish, or that they will grow old lonely. Why can’t society just be happy for us in what we choose?
The fact is that it is imperative that I understand that all the fulfillment I need is right here in my home with my husband and my children. A woman in our group said to me, “The world won’t suffer for one less story written. It won’t know the difference.” At first, I wanted to cry right there and tell her how dare she say that about the work I love to do. But, in the next second I realized that she was right. She wasn’t saying not to write when the time was right, or even not to try to work it in to my schedule, but that I needed to look at it as I did before – as something I did because I love it, not because I’m trying to make money or having bragging rights. The writing I do will be better for it.
Since choosing at this time to homeschool, I don’t foresee my getting an outside job anytime in the near future. John and I continue to live a lifestyle different than most in the United States strive for or live daily. We aren’t up to the standards of so many, but our needs are met and we are happy with our lifestyle. I wonder how it will be when my children are older and I am still home with them. I wonder how people will see me. I know I’ll be writing more then. I have decided that no matter the comments, I’m going to allow myself to believe what I know. Motherhood is the most important job of all when that’s the choice you’ve made.
14 comments
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September 11, 2009 at 1:36 am
Annita
I am trying desperately to find peace with not bringing in a regular income. I know that my role as wife and mommy is most important right now, but it feels like I’m fighting a never ending battle to let go of those expectations. This was a great post!
September 11, 2009 at 2:03 am
Bethany
Yeah, I’ll second that, great post. How funny that so many of us feel the same way yet it doesn’t seem comforting. I was visiting with an Amish woman recently and in our conversation I spoke of how differently my husband and I were raised. I am a non-mainstream gal and he is very mainstream. I wanted a home birth and he freaked out. We have balance each other out well though (and we did have a home birth) but we still have so much to learn. The Amish woman thought it was kind of funny that my husband and I had been raised differently. Of course she and her husband had been raised the same way with the same beliefs, work ethics, morals, and family values.
It seems to me that in todays time these core traditions are lost. We are not taught hard work like we once were. Women are not taught (like it or not) how to be mothers and housewives. We can work 20, 40, 100 hours a week and we are still mothers an wives. We still cook dinner, do the laundry, dishes, and homework. For some reason though it seems that if these values are taught to young girls/women, well then we have been sucked into a vortex and we are back in June Cleaverland. It bothers me that as a woman who decided to stay home and be a mother to my children and a wife to my husband, I have no idea how to do it. It’s no wonder so many women desire to be outside the home. That’s what we saw our moms do, right? Work.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words right, well the picture I want my family to have of me is one at home. I can only lead by example. I accepted this new job and although it’s not what I expected, I absolutely 100% am in love with it!
Keep your spirits up, I know you will. Write a book for your children (i’m sure you have) I keep a journal for each of my boys and I write in it periodically for them (and for me). I tell them funny stories that happened or things they did. I told them about my mom, how great of a grandmother she was and that even though they knew her for a short time, she loved them oh so dearly. I still dream about owning a restaurant (that’s my muse) but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t dream.
September 11, 2009 at 2:57 am
meorthethoughtofme
how eloquently stated. i struggle with this on a constant basis and it’s so hard to listen to your instincts and keep the outside pressure away. i hope that i am able to make peace with myself soon.
September 11, 2009 at 3:01 am
happywoman
Great post- amen to everything you said. I am currently working out of the home one or two days a week, but want so badly to just stay home full time. I battle with the guilt monster every time I think about quitting my job, but I know that eventually, maybe sooner or maybe later, I will quit. I am feeling more and more strongly that being home full-time would be the best for my family.
September 12, 2009 at 1:10 am
theycallmejane
Love this post. It covers so many emotions we all face as mothers. What struck me was your “only a mom” statement. I know you meant it in another way but when I said it to a former teacher of mine (when asking me what I was up to) he jumped right in and said, “Yes. You are only a mom. And you are only shaping our future. Only. What an admirable job you have.” I never felt like I was “only a mom” ever again.
September 12, 2009 at 2:33 pm
sunnymama
This is such a well written and thoughtful post. Your last sentence in particular is so powerful and expresses more eloquently than I could how I feel about my role as a mother. Thanks for sharing so much of your self with us. 🙂
September 13, 2009 at 11:08 pm
eastkentuckygal
Thanks ladies for reading this rant or whatever it is. I got a weird feeling about publishing it, so I thought I unscheduled it, but apparently I didn’t. Now, I’m glad it published. Sometimes I think freeing the thoughts we thought were better kept to ourselves can be helpful. It has to me anyway. 🙂
September 13, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Nothing But Blue Skies and Hope « A Mountain Mama
[…] the accidental posting of my thoughts on women’s roles, I was relieved. Some things are just meant to happen and having those thoughts already laid out […]
September 14, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Cre
Well, I can come at this from another perspective. I work full-time outside of the home and I hate being away from my boys. I wish I could stay at home but in our world, where my husband is self employed and we have significant debt, there is so much pressure for me to KEEP my job because we have INSURANCE. I feel so much pressure and negativity from other couples who have wives that work part-time, or not at all, to do more and be more with the kids, to keep the house clean, to have the garden, to can, to bake, to knit, to write, to do WHATEVER. To the point of exhaustion. My heart cries out when I watch my boys grow. But they know that I love them more than the world. And I will sacrifice whatever I have to for them but having a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.
It’s funny the criticism you get from working mothers (and working people). I get it from stay at homes a lot, particularly at my church is is worse. Sad that we can’t just support one another, isn’t it?
September 14, 2009 at 6:52 pm
eastkentuckygal
Thank you so much for commenting. I agree – why can’t we just support and help one another? That is why I don’t try to talk women into staying home. It’s an individual choice for every family. Some women really don’t feel they do have the choice to stay home. I recommend reading Heaven on Earth. I’m reading it now, and it is written with the working mom in mind as well as the at home mom. Try not to let others pressure you. That is what I am doing. In the Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman recession world, no one understands our choice to stay in debt rather than have me outside of the home. We are in significant debt as well. No one understands how we feel fine about going without the insurance that my job would provide. It isn’t the right choice for everyone. Definitely not! But, it is for us and we are happy with that choice. I’m refusing to be pressured by those who don’t live in our home. 😉
September 16, 2009 at 3:18 am
breedermama
I thought you post was eloquent and very hearfelt and balanced. I find that the things I hesitate to post usually end up resonating with people the most and it appears the same is true for you.
I only question why you would want to talk anyone into staying home. It’s true that some people don’t feel they have the choice to stay home, some literally do not have the choice (single mothers, people living in poverty etc), but some woman do not WANT to stay home.
I believe that is also a choice and one that I respect even if I would not choose it for myself. Sometimes a woman’s partner is better suited to stay home with the children.
Lucky for me, I get both a full day with my kids and a night job that brings home the bacon. Exhausting but it was my choice. 🙂
September 16, 2009 at 4:55 pm
eastkentuckygal
I’m not sure what you mean about me talking women into staying home. That’s not ever my intention. I hope I didn’t come across that way. I think it is definitely an individual choice. That’s what the choice is all about right? My sister doesn’t want to stay home. She could if she wanted, but she isn’t happy when she isn’t working. She makes mothering work for her, and she is a great mom. I look up to her in so many ways. I couldn’t do it though and hold down all my other responsibilities and still be happy. I also don’t feel that mama being home is always the best choice… sometimes dad might want to stay home and that’s great. I just wish we could support one another in the choices we make, and help each other find solutions when things aren’t working.
September 19, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Morgan
Kelli, I think your post reflects what many women struggle with, their own beliefs and wishes, the beliefs of others, what they think society is telling them, and so on.
My thought is that our society focuses on work/career entirely too much for both women and men. There are many men who would like more time to spend with their families, more time to pursue hobbies, or even other career paths, but they are also trapped by how our culture is so focused on work, career, and money. Often their very identities as men are wrapped up in work and being the breadwinners.
There is nothing wrong with taking care of your families financially, providing for their needs, but I think we’ve gotten more caught up in buying more stuff and that contributes to this extreme focus on work. I’ve always found this article on work and consumption from Orion magazine to be very interesting.
http://www.orionmagazine.org/index.php/articles/article/2962
September 20, 2009 at 2:52 am
Kae
What a wonderfully thought provoking post. I struggle with this on a daily basis, but not in the way you do.
I don’t feel guilty for not working. I don’t ever feel pressure to bring in money.
I’ve known since I was a teenager that I wanted to be a missionary, a mom and a writer…in that order. 🙂
Because of that I decided not to go to college. I hated the idea of incurring so much debt (a free education would have been appreciated but my parents didn’t have much money) and not using my degree.
Now I wonder if that was a bad idea.
I still don’t see the value in ME getting a degree, but my lack of one makes me feel inadequate.
I know I wouldn’t feel any conviction to go out and work just because I had that education so right now what would have been the purpose?
I’m hoping when the girls are older that I can go to school but until that time I wonder if I’m always going to feel dismissed and not able to measure up to society’s standards.
I gave up going to school because I knew it was the right decision for me at the time, but I still question it and even worse, I wonder what other people think about it.
Why do we do that?
I’m a good mom. I was a good missionary (and I will be again one day!) and I’m becoming a better writer and I still question if it is enough. If I’m enough.