I can expect about three or four times a year to have a crisis of emotion that comes out of no where and has no reason. Today, is one of those days. I don’t know what to call it because it usually only lasts a day or two. But, in those one or two days everything seems wrong. Not with those around me, but within. Like suddenly my effort is unreasonable. Like suddenly there is no reason. Like suddenly even triumph is failure.
It’s on days like this when I long for some good girlfriends to talk to.
This quote struck me today.
“…there is one thing we are very, very good at – fooling ourselves. It’s the only thing we’re good at! We’re not good at fooling others. But we will try forever to deceive ourselves.”
Karen Maezen Miller author of Mama Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood
I wonder about deception. I wonder about what we perceive as struggle. I wonder about reason.
Maybe I’m tired from a long trip and hard work. Maybe its hormonal. Maybe it is some reset time for the body. Maybe…
-Thank you to Mommy Mystic for the quote.
A Mountain Mama - East Kentucky Gal 
6 comments
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April 16, 2010 at 11:09 pm
angie
Kelli, I, too, have been contemplating deception, especially as playground season comes along, and the “posturing” that inevitably happens when mothers and fathers are parenting “out loud”. also, in the blog world, people seem to choose so carefully what to say. My deception is believing the visions of perfection they emanate.
It makes me sad that we don’t build emotional safety as a community…we need to keep working on that.
April 17, 2010 at 3:12 am
jamie
mama zen is an awesome book. its been a real comfort to me and i give it as a gift to moms all the time. i highly recommend it!
April 17, 2010 at 9:54 pm
meorthethoughtofme
I think we all have those kinds of days. Sometimes I embrace them and just let myself feel whatever it is even though I am unsure of the “why.”
I don’t know if it’s necessarily deception though. You’re just working really hard right now at the things you know/feel/think you want in your life and should be a priority. Whether it’s actually what you *need*…that’s the really question, I think.
April 18, 2010 at 8:53 pm
breedermama
I’ve been living in the shadow of this type of indecision for the past few days. As I do when it gets bad I force myself to follow the NURSE method. Especially making yoga a priority. I don’t push myself I just do what I can do that day.
Another quote to add on:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. (Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.)
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson, quoted in Nelson Mandela’s inaugural speech
April 21, 2010 at 7:23 pm
Vivian Choat
Sweet Kelli. I always remember words from the Bible. I don’t know for sure where. It goes something like this. Doubt is not of God. Worry is not of God. Anxiety is not of God. It continures on. I still have days of feeling not myself. Just remember all wonderfulness lies within us and our choices. Being tired, hormones and a ton of other stuff can give us these feelings. I am a believer in spirits and that you can simply chase bad spirits away by remembering to claim words of God and his promises. So in the name of God be gone bad feelings. You are a child of God so that makes you a princess. I adore you sweetheart. Aunt Viv
April 22, 2010 at 12:02 am
Carrie
darkness can creep up, even when you’re watching. You recognized it. That’s the best part. You’re not letting it get to you. I think it’s just the Devil, recognizing your weakness and thriving on it. You beat him by overcoming.
Here if you want to talk. 🙂