As Sunlight Into Our Hearts

“You must speak straight so that your words may go as sunlight into our hearts.”

– Cochise (“Like Ironweed”) Chiricahua Chief

I’m going to try to speak straight here and everywhere.  We can manipulate language in so many gratifying and harmful ways when we are fluent in it.  We can make the truth read/sound a thousand different ways.  Sunlight too, comes to us in unique and varying ways.  It can be just enough to warm us on a day between fall and winter.  It can beat down on us relentlessly with its burden of heat and sweat.  When words touch our hearts they feed us – our state of being.  They allow us to form opinions, to react emotionally, to prepare for great triumphs or damaging winds.  To render ourselves steadfast.  Cochise just asked that we talk straight.  We talk straight so that our words feed our hearts like sunlight.  So that there is fairness all around.

Summer has become that overbearing master once again.  Restricting us indoors.  The garden is out of control, though still producing well.  Peace from the summer sun is hard to find, and you become a worshipper of conveniences like air conditioning.  Deladis absolutely hates the summer sun, and though she wants to play outdoors, she cannot.  Her skin is really sensitive because of the eczema and she sweats which makes her itch.  Her face turns apple red, and then she starts to feel poorly.  Ivy is restless from being cooped up like the hen and diddles.  She takes an evening run through the living room and into the kitchen, slamming against the door and back again, like clockwork, everyday sometime after dinner.  We only have a wall unit a/c and a fan, and we don’t turn it on until about noon everyday, and turn it off again at night.  Our cabin is not extremely cool.  We try our best to acclimate for summer and winter.  We tend to freeze or burn up when we visit our family.  But, right now, indoors is the safer place for us.  This is the first summer since living at The Confluence that it has been this way.  Though I remember many summers like this.

The sun zaps my energy.  As a child I tried to play softball, and would end up vomitting on the field because the sun makes me sick.  I’m no different now.  It’s why I love the mountainside.  The shade.  The cool breezes.  The altitude.  What is harder on me this summer is that I’m not well.  I’ve been reluctant to post about it here.  I am a believer in what you put out into the world is what you will get back.  People tend to avoid those that don’t feel well… or pity them too much.  I’d rather not deal with either of those things.  Writing about it here is more about talking straight.  Writing about things being difficult, my patience being short, or my being tired all the time would be just complaints without being honest as to why.  I don’t want to complain.  And, I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself. 

John and I do without some things in order that the girls can have them, or that I can stay home and be the primary caregiver of the girls.  One of those things is health insurance.  So, I’ve put off seeing a doctor for a detailed workup of my health for sometime.  However, we’ve saved and worked it out so that now I can, and I am relieved.  I’ve been so angry at the fact that I should be healthier than I have ever been in my life.  My lifestyle, my diet, my physical activity are all joyful and healthy.  Yet, I feel awful many days.  I have horrible headaches that don’t go away, sometimes nagging for days.  I’m always tired.  It’s a challenge to keep up with my chores.  My moods are up and down.  I have stomach aches.  I’m dizzy…. etc…  The doctor says at this point she knows that it is my hormones and my glandular systems that are causing the trouble.  Nothing contagious.  Nothing that keeps me from doing my best.  Tomorrow, I go for a blood draw for something they are calling a whole panel.  This will give her a whole picture and then we’ll go from there. 

I’m excited at the thought of feeling better.  Of restoring my body to proper function.  Healing mind, body, and spirit.  Wholeness.  I know any improvement I experience comes from my Creator, and the journey is of most importance.  It is a way to grow.  It is to be accepted and worked on from a place of peace.  Being able to just go through the outward movements of going to the doctor, getting results, is allowing me to release the anger at the problem.  I’m hoping it will help me to be still as well.   

I suppose I’ll write some about it here because it will be my focus for sometime.  And, as the summer brings other exciting things I’ll have share some of those too.  Opportunities are everywhere right now.  I don’t know whether to chase them all or pick and choose. 🙂  The Creator will give me the work of my day upon the unfolding of it.

Introducing Little LuLu

Have I ever said that I prefer cats to dogs. This one is a darling.