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After my prenatal yoga training in Asheville, NC a week or so ago, I feel like I have come full circle spiritually and in my path of becoming whole.  Not only did I get some girly time to myself, I got to immerse myself in yoga, birth, and teaching, three of my most favorite things.  I am back to the Hatha style of yoga.  I’m following my heart.  It led me there, and currently I’m into Baron Baptiste and Vinyasa.

In the video I’m doing, Baron at one point says, “struggle less, breathe more.”  Friday of last week it just clicked.  He also says “breath is free.  breathing is free.”  Struggling is not free.  Efforting can feel so much like forcing.  Efforting feels like impatience.  Why not breathe?  Why not let go of the struggle, and allow the Creator to work?  Living now is all we have.  Doing our best in the moment.  Living in the moment, instead of rehashing the past or pushing for the future.  The time is now.  If we don’t live now, we are missing life.

I quit trying to push myself into asanas (poses), and instead I grounded myself through my feet and hands, and I used the breath.  I felt peace rush over me.  There was nothing I had to do.  I felt my muscles release in the work.  I was connected to earth through my body and the life force through my breath.  I felt free.

I think of all I try to do with my life.  All the time tables I give myself, and the preconceptions of how I think things should go.  I analyze little things – glitches – and read into them much more than is there.  I don’t trust that the Creator will lead me through.  I don’t trust that where I am is exactly where I should be.  I don’t wait for the Creator’s time.  I don’t live in the time I’m given.  I keep struggling, thinking that I must push myself, or try this or that to see if it brings me forward.  I keep doing this despite the fact that I see it mostly resulting in wasted time.  I keep doing this even though most of my moving forward happens through the Creator bringing connections to me, and none through my efforts.  It’s like an addiction almost.  A need to have my hand in the mix, as if somehow I can influence anything through effort.

No, we make changes, progress, and find ourselves by letting go.  By breathing and doing only the work that is ours to do in that moment.  By being mindful.  Listening for that still small voice.  By not judging success by numbers, but by quality, and giving the glory where the glory belongs.  Snatam Kaur sings in “By Thy Grace” – “one day the day shall come when all the glory shall be Thine.  People will say it is yours and I will deny not mine.”  What a happy and amazing day – the day we can acknowledge that.  Know it with our hearts and live in that peace.  Living not to in and of ourselves make changes, or influence events, but to let it pass through us in the moments we are given and the connections brought to us.

It is – “Be still and know that I am God.”  That is what it is.

Some or all of us have been sick in my family since February.  Most recently Deladis developed another UTI and a cold, John had a cold, and Ivy got a cold which turned to the croup.  Deladis and Ivy have been sick all week.  Today, they both started a new week still sick.  Fortunately, I’ve not been sick this time around, but as the caregiver it takes its toll.  My stress level is out the roof, and I am constantly trying to strengthen or console my little girls, all while trying to convince my man to take a multi-vitamin. 🙂

I was heartbroken when my dad tried to take Deladis fishing for the first time this season on Saturday, and had to bring her right back home because she was too weak to stay.  I was angry that my little baby was once again to the point of straining to breathe.  I was taking just a minute to wonder why I’ve been losing hair in gobs, having awful mood swings, and feeling completely down with no other reason than all the illness around and my husband having to be away so much.

And then God blesses me with today.

I make the most delicious whole wheat pancakes I have made ever.  I ate them with plain yogurt and blackberry preserves.  Ivy found the first peaceful sleep in days at 11:30am and didn’t wake until 4:00pm.  Deladis relaxed next to me on the couch, and fell off to sleep around 1pm.  I typed three handwritten chapters of my novel into the laptop, worked on the blog, researched some recipes for next week, read up on good fat vs. bad fat, and cleaned the bathroom (which included mopping).  I discovered I could roast a chicken without a roasting pan, that it is proven that vegetable oils, refined sugar, and white flour causes heart disease… not fat, and relearned that there is always a calm before and after a storm.

Just when I thought my body and mind wouldn’t give me another day to be strong enough to take care of my sick babies.  Just when I wanted to scream not another day.  Just when I was about to give up ever being able to enjoy another sunny day any time in the near future.  Just when I thought I was losing ground…

God blesses me with today, and I’m renewed at least in spirit.


About Me

An Appalachian woman born and raised, mothering two little girls in a place that is non-existent to AT&T or UPS. Happily working toward a sustainable lifestyle and writing on the demand of a loud muse.

December 2021

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