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I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever.
-Psalm 121
This week has been a rough one, but also one of joy. I was witness to another birth of a baby boy. 🙂 We celebrated Deladis’s fifth birthday (pictures to come), and I received my test results for my bloodwork. I haven’t had a lot of time, and this next week will be busy as well. I’m just trying my best to keep up.
The bloodwork says I have low blood sugar, my adrenals are shot, of course there’s my thyroid, and a few other minor things. The low blood sugar is a shocker. From what I understand it is connected to the function of the adrenals as well. So, one is causing the other, or one is the symptom of the other. I think the adrenals came first. Anyway, I have to see another doctor Wednesday that is about an hour away. I’m supposed to eat every two hours, which is going to be very difficult for me to do. I just don’t get hungry like that. I’m one that eats breakfast at 8am and doesn’t eat again sometimes until 2 or 3pm. I do have this shake stuff to drink in between meals to help regulate my blood sugar, so that will help.
The most depressing thing for me is that I have to be off of dairy for 3 weeks. I didn’t show an allergy, but she expects that I might be having some sensitivity to it because I’m not digesting well. Have I ever mentioned that I love dairy? I truly don’t know what I’m going to eat now. I live off of milk products. Now, this isn’t good from a traditional foods standpoint, because pastuerized and homogenized milk is so tampered with that it is hard for any human being to digest or utilize properly. I don’t have access to raw milk products, and that is one piece of eating traditional foods that I have never been able to adopt. Rather than go without dairy, I just ate conventional dairy. I have been pointed in the direction of the PETA website called Milk Sucks. I suppose I need to check it out. I know conventional dairies are cruel. I know these three weeks won’t kill me, but…. Did I mention I love dairy????
I have been having these episodes of dizziness and such that is related to my blood sugar, and I’m tired. I’m lifting my eyes to the mountains, and pushing onward. Whatever manifests in our body has its beginnings in our inner work. I believe that thoroughly. Healing is a time of inner work as much as it is getting well physically.
I posted a comment on Mama-Om and she was gracious enough to share with me some of her experiences with being a parent and not feeling well. I wanted to share them here. Sometimes I think us mothers tend to hide our pitfalls, and things that aren’t just so. There’s nothing to hide. Mothers are people afterall, and we all have work to do in this life.
Mama-Om:
I am so excited to announce that a radio documentary that I have been working on these last few months is going to air on this coming week’s edition of Mountain News and World Report on the local public radio station WMMT. The topic is cesarean awareness and how it affects the women of the Kentucky mountains and nationwide. We interviewed a local obstetrician, a certified nurse midwife, and a certified professional midwife on the topic, as well as a local mother whose daughter’s life was saved by cesarean surgery.
The airdate is August 1st (Sunday) at 10:30am EST and again on August 3rd (Tuesday) at 6pm EST. You can listen locally at WMMT 88.7 and also online at www.wmmt.org where you will find a link for listening live. The piece will also be available for download after the airdates if you click on the link for the Community Correspondence Core.
This issue is close to my heart and the piece is airing right after the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology issued revised guidelines that are more supportive of vaginal birth after cesarean. It also airs on the week that we will celebrate Deladis’s 5th birthday and my 5th year of motherhood. 🙂 I hope you will get to celebrate with us by listening to the piece.
Be blessed,
Kelli
Deladis’s kindergarten year is going well. We are on a relaxed and spontaneous kind of schedule, though still very regular. She has almost learned to write all her numbers through ten! This week we sang songs themed around boats, “Michael Row Your Boat Ashore” and “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”. We read our Little Jewel Book on water and the counting nature walk. We worked in the garden, and checked on the little frog pond to see the tadpoles sprouting their back legs. Last year, I ordered Little Acorn Curriculum. It was structured much like what we are doing now, but this time it is coming from my head. Yes, my head! I am really learning how to teach little littles. (My formal teaching experience is with 7th and 8th grades.) I can hardly believe this week in truth.
Thursday we made paper boats. I looked up a video on YouTube to show us how.
We folded two out of heavy cardstock, and took them to the creek to float.
The creek runs along a little coal seam in spots.
The girls were mighty pleased with the results.
We enjoyed our Thursday so much, we decided to do some splashing in the creek (last year’s Hillbilly Waterpark). We found one of the remaining wild blackberry bushes in a snake safe spot by the creekbank and Ivy ate every ripe berry there was to be found. I learned my lesson on being an ambitious blackberry picker last season too. It was a lovely day, and I took the time to really enjoy my girls. Kay, from Random Musings From My POV keeps telling me to do that. You know, I thought I was, but I wasn’t. I now know what it feels like to truly let loose and do that. Thanks Kay! It’s like nothing else in the world. They are blessings in this life.
Summer is such a great time for learning, and that is the great thing about homeschooling/unschooling, learning happens anytime, any place, any season. Now, I must be off to enjoy my girls before this day gets away from me. 🙂
When things don’t feel quite right, we make adjustments. I have never been a go with the flow kind of gal. I have always wished I were. I get nervous if I feel like I might not reach an event or meeting within plenty of time to get comfortable. So much so, that I am sometimes as much as 20 minutes early for things. When my “routine” is interrupted, and I feel like something is getting left out of my day, I tend to feel dis-ease. When John sits in my seat at the kitchen table, it bugs me to death. I can sit in uncomfortableness and brood, or I can adjust. I have chosen to adjust.
The blue moon of Kentucky is no longer making me blue. I am now getting up at 6:30am to practice yoga and read a little before John and the girls are awake. I am amazed about how much it feels like it adds time to my day. I’ve not been trying to make Ivy nap. She slept about 45 minutes today on her own on the couch. I’m still exhausted, but feeling much more at ease. Waking at 6:30am is very hard for me. Our bed sleeps horribly, and my arms fall asleep at night and I have shoulder pain, so I don’t rest much. However, in a way it makes it easier to get on up. Our rooster is crowing his head off by that time anyway. So much of how we feel/react to things is a decision. I don’t think it is always a conscious one, but nevertheless, it is a decision.
My sweet Ivy at Parent/Child yoga.
I really think that most often we are hindered by our own blockages or walls. I have never been the mother that could pull out of the moment to figure out a less stressful way to deal with a situation. I’ve always been the mother looking back and hoping that one day I’d be the mindful mother. I think one day I will. One day soon. More often than not.
This here full moon has taken the place of the peace I had found on Thursday. It’s gone and left me blue. When I taught middle school, the teachers would all gather in the halls to discuss the day, and we’d often notice (or at least blame) rowdy behavior on the full moon. Labor and delivery nurses will often do the same when they have a busy ward. Same in the jailhouses and on the beat. Now, that I am a mother, I’m starting to wonder if there might be some truth to it.
Ivy has decided that sleeping is no longer cool. I mean she is a big kid now, being two and all. She is getting in bed around 10pm and waking around 8am. She is not napping most days, and the days that she does, she doesn’t sleep very long. I am missing my nap time, quiet yoga practice. Evening alone time with John, that doesn’t require staying up until midnight. Then, during her waking hours, especially toward evening, she is non-stop and grouchy. Biting Deladis, climbing whatever she can find to climb, turning sommersaults, using the toilet to get high on shelves in the bathroom to find her “lipstick” (chapstick) so she can put it on with her pretty dress and necklace (Where she gets this, I don’t know. I don’t wear jewelry or makeup.), lots of crying when something doesn’t turn out just so, and picking the kitten up by the head. Real nice. Lots of fun for her mama.
Deladis has “gotten a mouth”. She simply tells us “no” when she doesn’t like a request or our plans. I had to chase her all over the playground at the music school on the last day. She was loudly telling me that “no” she was not going home. Plain and simple. Today, during school time, she pretends she doesn’t know things that I know good and well she does. Picking up her toys is also a “no”.
I’m exhausted. I’m on the edge. This is part of motherhood. The times after you think you’ve gotten it under control – after you feel like things are going to be really good for awhile – when you realize that the next stage is just beginning and you will be adjusting all over again. I don’t have it all together. There are times when I feel like what I truly need is a break, and not a short one either. When I feel like I need to completely change our lifestyle because something is not going right at all, it is so tempting to sit and whine. To feel bad. To blame myself. To accuse myself of not being cut out for the job. Then, what good does all that do? Where do you go from here? Parenting books, self-help, religious texts??? Complaining in online mothering forums. Praying or meditating, hoping for some divine intervention. Or waiting. Realizing that there is nothing wrong with the picture. It is what it is. You are who you are, waiting for the full moon to wane.
This week John and I are both working at the Cowan Creek Mountain Music School. I am co-teaching Kids on the Creek, and John is the faculty coordinator. Both of the girls are attending this year, and are with me in Kids on the Creek. It’s a busy and exhausting week. So many personalities in one place, lots of music and dancing, smiling, and fun. It is in its 9th year.
It seems though that our family always has a bit of a crisis during the time of the music school. Last year it was our van breaking down. This year, it is the dogs killing the diddles (chicks). They have killed two, and yesterday, we realized that we had to get the mama and the remaining seven into the old coop for safety. They have been totally free ranging since they were born. We hadn’t been able to touch their mother since she left the coop months ago. I figured I’d have to have John to help me catch all of them. In fact, I wasn’t even going to try without him. His duties keep him at the school from morning until wee morning, and we see him in glimpses. I had resigned to grieve the diddles and resent the dogs.
Deladis on the other hand, resigned to get the chickens into the coop come hell or high water last night. After a thunderstorm that knocked the power out, Deladis chased the diddles all around the yard in the steady rain. Ivy was asleep inside. When I stepped onto the front porch to check on Deladis, I realized she was catching them! She had a diddle in her hands. She handed it off to me and I rushed it to the coop. When I returned, she handed me another diddle. “Get the mama,” I said.
They were all huddled under the front porch, and it takes quite a bit for me to maneuver under there, so I wasn’t too hopeful that Deladis could get her hands on the mama, but I knew that if she were caught, the diddles would be easier. “Oh, she’s pecking me!” I hear. Then, I see my four year old turn around, her arms full of hen. “Hang on!” I say. We rush her to the coop, and proceed to round up the last five diddles.
The proud look on her face said it all. Her eyes round and wide. Her smile open and full. “I did it, Mama,” she said. “Are you happy at me?” She was determined to get those chickens to safety with or without her daddy, and that she did. I was beyond joyful at her accomplishment. She did something I thought wasn’t doable. Something I thought it would take our man to help us with. Deladis taught me something last night.
What/Who am I waiting on? I have been waiting on John to have time for barn repairs for months, so we could move the chickens down there once again. I have been working so hard on advertising my birth work that I have neglected my housekeeping and writing. I have been waiting on acceptance to a known literary journal before sending off the collection of stories to small presses for consideration. I’ve been submitting those stories for two years. I have 25,000 words on a novel that I am waiting for time to finish. There’s no waiting. There is just now. Now. Right now. There is nothing that exists to wait for. All that is, is present now.
Miss Angie, over at The Artist, The Mom, and mine and Deladis’s former Parent/Child (Waldorf) teacher told me once that I was exhibiting some sanguine traits. At the time I thought – no way. But, I couldn’t just put it off. She had really studied the temperaments after all. She gave us an article on parenting and temperaments. I thought – sure, I’ll accept melancholic, even choleric, but sanguine? I had always thought, if only I had some sanguine tendencies. I am not the life of the party by any means. I’m lucky if I can approach you for conversation after knowing you for some time. I’m one of those who gets shy and ducks in and out of store aisles trying to avoid eye contact. Not because I don’t love conversation, or crave it even, but when I’m not prepared for it, it is very hard for me to initiate. I want to be assured that someone wants to talk to me before I approach them. I also remember things, and have been notoriously good and holding grudges (though not any more. What a blessing!). I have strong opinions about a lot of things, but I don’t go declaring most of them everywhere, and in most situations my opinions aren’t such that it makes me dislike anyone or confront anyone.
However, I see what she means in that I have my hands in so much at once. My focus changes so often, I don’t think I give anything time to really be what it is going to be. Just go through this blog and you will see that I have this and that then that and this on my mind. Does it mean that I need to find just one thing? Does it mean that I need to give up my little work for the important work of mother and homemaker, so I can do those better than I am now? I don’t think so. I really don’t.
I think it just means that I need to focus on what needs to be done in any given day. What work do I wake to? What work lends itself well to the feelings of the day – mine and the girls? Does it mean that I will take the conventional approach to things? No, I’ve never been conventional. Does it mean that the path I had set out on will be the one that gets me to where I am going? Nope. In fact, I think it is most doubtful. I need to always consider alternatives. Always consider now.
I wonder if I can do the work down at the barn. I wonder. I wonder how much time and advertising to put into my birth work. I wonder which small press I should query first. I wonder what it will be like to pick up my novel again. I’ve been wanting to switch this blog over to one that will allow me to do the Amazon Affiliates program, and post links to my book when it is published by a small press or myself. I wonder if I’m computer literate enough. I wonder. Deladis didn’t sit and wonder. She just did it because it needed done.
Deladis was doing exercises yesterday to help her grow. They consisted of sprints, water bucket lifting, lunges off the porch, and lots of crossed legged butterflies. She’s excited about growing up, and I think has begun to realize that it is happening to her. She is comparing her growth nearly everyday by the marks we make in the kitchen door facing, asking, “How big am I now?”
She has growing pains some nights in her legs like I did at her age. She wants to learn “big” things. Deladis is amazed at seeing kids her size doing things on their own – like making treats, and riding bikes. She loves spending the night with her grandparents, away from mommy and daddy. It is moving kind of quickly for us now.
Backstage before her recital.
I talk to my niece, Jade, who will be 17 in November (much to the unsettledness of myself and her mother), and feel an ease that I felt with Deladis as a newborn. We talk about relationships, friends, books, and music – her trip to Europe at the end of the month. I’ve never been passed the Mississippi River (or even seen it really), north of Ohio, or south of Alabama, aside from flying to Anchorage, Alaska for a ball tournament when I was a freshman. The last time I saw the ocean I was ten. She is bright, truthful, and confident. I think about Deladis at that age, and I find myself looking forward to it – us being women together. As much as I lament her growing up, I’m finding joy in being a part of it. It wasn’t too long ago I held her in my arms in the dead of night wondering how I was ever going to make it through the next day without some sleep, and at the same time rejoicing that I was able to feed her from my breast, holding her sweet soul in my arms.
One day I will be witness to her soul’s impact on this world – on other souls. One day holding her will be a second’s worth of a hug. But, she will still be a part of me, and I will still be able to watch. Together we will be women. And I will enjoy her in a new way. My sweet girl – the star of her own show.
Her Papaw Hansel bought her flowers.
Ivy is no longer nursing (almost a week now). There are no real plans for more babies in my future. It is most certainly a time of letting go for me – of expectations I had for my life, my birth stories, my parenting skills, and my family. It’s time.
For more reading on growing up, visit The Breeder Files.
We have diddles - 9 in all.
It’s hot here folks, and I am enjoying the rain today. I finally have the pictures I promised.
The garden that is furthest along growth wise. We have 3. This is the only fenced one. We are already eating spinach, swiss chard, and broccoli from this plot.
Aren’t these peas just gorgeous?
I can’t wait for the pods… well, if it means loosing these blooms I can wait for a little while. 🙂 They make me think of Alice in Wonderland.
We bought fencing yesterday for the other plot by the barn. For the plot by the house (last year’s only garden), we are doing the low string and pie pans again. I’m hoping to get to work out there tomorrow. John’s uncle Ben suggested some barn repairs, and I hope that is underway soon. I am also waiting to hear about Farmer’s Markets to participate in.
In other news…. Deladis is still going strong on her start to her kindergarten year. I can most definitely say these few weeks have opened my eyes and made me realized that I have a lot to learn about teaching little ones. We are using a curriculum that is for preschool, but it is akin to kindergarten. The regular curriculum starts with Grade 1, but I haven’t seen a sample to know if I will use it for next year or not. I like it because it is nature/domestic based and spirituality has a part. The illustrations are non-commercial, but beautiful and real.
Deladis has been enjoying herself very much… when mommy isn’t being too uptight. One of the parental instructions suggested in the book is that children should complete work neatly. Proper posture and holding of the pencil should be practiced. She is just learning to write. Here we have dotted lines, and examples to trace. For me the instructions translated into when making them on her own the characters should be as large as those she traced. This especially came into play with the 3. The top should be at the top line. The middle in the dashes, and the bottom at the bottom line. She would make lovely, perfectly legible 3s that were much smaller. We’d erase and try again. Before long, she was crossing her arms and looking at me. I felt kind of ridiculous erasing her 3s that were out of proportion, but for some reason felt the need to make sure directions were followed. I went to message boards for advice. I found what I needed from the unschooling community ( I am looking into some application of that philosophy for our experience). The next day, we did 3 again. This time no erasing. Just reading directions. Deladis practiced on her own, and before I knew it, she was making a 3 similar to the one she traced. I had decided that I wouldn’t care. That I would let her explore the writing on her own after reading the workbook directions. She loves the workbook. She made me draw the riders on the horses in the picture. As you can tell with her coloring, nothing is outside the reach of her ability to imagine, create, understand, and transform. 🙂
This is what I have to remember. She learned to potty on her own. It happened when she was ready. On her own time. All I did was explain how we went about it, and gave her encouragement and help as she needed. There was no “training” involved. No, she wasn’t 18 months old and wearing underpants, but she was using it on her own in a reasonable time frame. After 2 weeks, there were no accidents. Why should learning anything else we need for growing up or adulthood or creativity or spirituality or work be any different?
Others suggested that she is too young to learn to write. They said I’m expecting too much of an almost 5 year old. Deladis asked to learn writing. She asked me to show her and help her to learn. She showed signs of academic readiness that I read about in my study of Waldorf education, though before her age. I had determined I’d follow her cue and embrace her eagerness as an opportunity for learning. I just need to supply her with resources, be there to read directions (until she can read them herself), offer ideas, demonstrate things, answer questions (or help find answers), and offer my help as she needs it. She will learn. She will learn because that is what we do, and because I as her mother and teacher am nurturing that ability in her. Not by erasing her 3s until they meet the criteria, but supporting her practice until they meet the standards that she sets, that is her personal best for her age, or until it is time to practice something else for awhile. I learned to let go a little of the thought of “teaching”. I watched that letting go help Deladis to learn through her own hand and observation. The “teacher” in me was impressed with her. Who knows where this journey will lead?
I am all alone for a few hours. All by myself. John’s mother is keeping the girls. John is settling things at the house in Louisville, which we are preparing for selling. We have a buyer! I am supposed to be cleaning. Cleaning in this silence with thunderstorms on the horizon. Doing things that are truly impossible when the girls are here, like mopping and sorting junk. Somebody must be kidding me. A cosmic joke. Because the only thing that I can think about at this moment is writing, songs with the word silence in the title, and reading good books. My current read is Pushed by Jennifer Block. Playing is…
Words are unnecessary unless written and/or thoughtful. Good point this song makes. Listening is much more necessary. This song has grown better as I have gotten older. 🙂
Next, we have a classic. A most beautiful classic. I remember listening to this in the dark as a teenager. My room hot with no air conditioning. Fan blowing. Sticking to synthetic red satin sheets that wouldn’t stay on the bed. Alone, listening and staring at the ceiling – most of the time lamenting something (you know those melancholic teenage years), but in this case not. There was no thinking to do when listening to this song. This song always touched my soul. It’s nice, even now, in the quiet.
It is on such rare occassion that there is no one calling my name. Asking me questions. Suggesting I do something. Asking me to do something. I dare not waste a second. Not one slice of a second. I will write, read some, and then if I can muster up the energy after a couple, few more cups of coffee… I might do the dishes. 🙂
Have a nice holiday weekend folks. It is a time for celebrating life.
Things are so busy here! I’m going this weekend to beautiful Asheville, NC to get some prenatal yoga training for pregnancy and labor. I was on the radio last night. I’m working on another radio piece to air in May. Preparing for some upcoming classes. Then, Deladis starts real kindergarten in August, so I am ordering the curriculum because we will be staying home for school for sure. I am so darn excited! Our school is The Confluence Homeschool, and we are eclectic homeschoolers with a seasonally inspired curriculum that fits in with our lifestyle really well. And to beat it all – the curriculum I have found is only $50 for the whole year!
Our garden is going well, though I haven’t gotten to work it much myself. 😦 Spinach is ready for eating and the broccoli has sprung up real nice in the last week. I hope to plant some zucchini and squash when I get home and maybe some corn and beans. Ivy has been sick and where we moved the garden away from the cabin, it has been hard for me to get down there to work.
We had our first collective meeting for The Confluence, which is what we are calling our project here. We are looking to organize our educational efforts into a real opportunity for us and anyone interested. We’ll have art, traditional music, history, sustainable living, childbirth education, food ways, and so much more. hehe
I hope to be able to write more as we get into May. Things are really clumped up after the hard winter, but I think it will slow down again soon. Hopefully, I’ll have more pictures. 🙂
A Mountain Mama - East Kentucky Gal 